150.

Hola Blogworld!

I started this blog on a August 16, 2004, a surreal day, as a time capsule of sorts. It is a huge blessing to have this much of my life in journal form, because I can go back and see how much I have changed and grown over the past few years. In the past 149 posts I’ve gone from a jobless intern to a ‘veteran’ youth minister. I was head over heels after a first date with a crush from high school, now I’m only into dates with serious potential. I was living in a small room for free at the house of one of the widow’s at church, and now I am sitting in my comfortable bed in my apt that has three plus years of wear on the carpet. What started out as a response to a quiet summer day with an uncertain future has turned into a public timeline of a growth chart. I want to thank everyone who has read my blog for showing some sort of interest in my life. And I would especially like to thank the faithful few who have read most of my postings and been kind enough to comment either online, or vocally. It cracks me up to run across people who I haven’t talked to in a while, never met, or didn’t realize they know how to turn on a computer, and have them mention something about my blog. My original goal was to keep a private journal in a public place, and it has turned into me learning how to share myself with the world using available technology. I also appreciate my friends who keep up with their blogs. I’m terrible at keeping in touch, and sometimes my only connection to people is through what they share with the world. It’s not ideal, but I appreciate the time and effort people put forth to share. All that being said, thank you for being a part of my life. Your encouragement means a lot to me, and I hope that this can continue to be an open place of sharing my journey with anyone that’s interested.

So after reading all 400+ pages of my blog, i've made a few observations:

the actual address of my blog is chapmionshipvinyl. the correct spelling was already taken and i didn't think anyone would notice. this is by far the most frequent observation that people give me.

when put into a word document, my blog as a whole is too big to spellcheck, not that i do that anyways...

while i rarely spellcheck or proofread, i almost always double check movie or music quotes.

before this post, i've written 159,887 words, for an average of 1073 words per post.

i figured out that the word mathematically in the middle of this blog is 'intimate' which is a pretty cool coincidence.

anyways, there's a bunch of stuff to update you on that i'll post sometime soon, but for right now i just wanted to thank everyone who reads this for encouraging me to continue this venture.

one love, one heart.

Spring is in the air.

I feel a haiku coming on.

Huge Yellowjacket.
Trying to sting me at work.
You're stuck in the blinds.

I hope you calm down.
Then I'll open up the blinds.
Should not have flown in.

Please stop your buzzing.
It is getting annoying.
Just go to your home.

Back to my office.
You still have not flown away.
I guess I showed you.



one love, one heart.

Yes, I like technology. Always and forever.

If you're like me, then you're a big fan of the internets. It's great for the email. I bought a used statue of bill and ted one time at the ebay. Most of my bills I can pay when I log on to the web. Between imdb.com solving all of my movie questions, espn.com solving all of my sports questions, and wikipedia answering the rest, I have become a fan of a lot of dot coms. Oh yeah, and there's yahoodotcom. I'm not sure what it does but it must be good because my computer goes there every time I turn on the internet.

But today was great, because I found a new website that is really funny. You may have heard of youtube.com because now you can put videos on the world wide web. Here are my top ten favorite videos of all time that I have found today:


even my furniture guy has a website video.


I'm going to start videotaping my paintings too.


Some advertisers like to use the internet.


I hooked my VCR up to the internet to show this one.


They even have TV on the internet.


Some people like to take movie clips and re-arrange them to make it funny.


Rap stars like to put music videos on the world wide web.


Rap stars like to put music videos on the world wide web.


Now you can show the whole country your son (or daughter's) dance recital!!!!!!!!1


The best idea is to use the internets to advertise your business. This could make some people a lot of money.


Be sure to check out our official sponsor:

one love, one heart.

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

"My grace is enough; it's all you need. "
My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over. And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

-the message.

one love, one heart.

kim jong il vs. joe strummer

is it just me or is it possible the kim jong is a fan of the clash?

a few months ago i started listening to classical music on a pretty regular basis. it's great for studying, background music, and going to sleep. tonight i was channel surfing for a while before i started to doze and i came across a classical concert on cnn. i stopped surfing for a minute to see why this was news, and saw the headline across the bottom of the screen; "new york philharmonic performing in pyongyang, north korea". this is huge. i was excited to watch because these kinds of things have the potential to change history. this is the largest group of the first song that i caught was 'an american in paris' by gershwin. when the conductor was introducing this masterpiece, he made a comment that he hoped one day someone would write 'an american in pyongyang'. i couldn't agree more. the best part of the comment was that the north korean audience applauded in response. they are brought up to believe that we are an evil empire, filled with hate, so for them to applaud that statement gives me hope that someday we can be at peace with this country. i know there is a long way to go in attaining peaceful relations with north korea, but if that road can be built by visits from the nyc philharmonic instead of the us military i think we would all be better off. that's not a dig against our military, but rather a dream that we can achieve our goals through something as universal as music. i think music has the power to save the world. in the early 1970's different musical groups were allowed unprecedented access to china, and several years later the entire country was opened up to the west. in africa, groups of former children soldiers are rallying people against violence that has shattered their country for years.
i know it's easy to get stuck in the rut of listening to whatever 3:33 that gets fed to us by the labels. but for my money, the best music out there is the music that is honest, earnest, and dangerous. johnny cash ended his career with a song about God's vengeance, james brown began his career with songs about racism, and tonight i'm watching a group of new yorkers play on the other side of the korean border. it makes it all the more meaningful for me to end with...
one love, one heart.

" Who are you, John Locke?"

so here's the predicament that i'm in. there's a lot going on with different people in my life right now. i would love to divulge all of the details on each situation and write about what's going on, but a few of them read this, and a few would probably be hurt or upset by what i would write. so as much as this blog was intended for me to be a place to be completely open and honest, i feel apprehensive about sharing the whole truth. my intent was never to hurt feelings, but to share mine. so you'll have to forgive me if this post seems a little more hidden than usual. i hope you can appreciate though, that this blog was originally intended for me to be able to look back and see what i was thinking at a given time.

anyways, here it goes.

person a: watching someone so close change so much is both a pleasure and a pain. feelings of envy are overcome with pride in watching you move on.

person b: i don't have the courage to say that this is pointless, and there's a huge wall that is fast approaching. if i had half the courage that i wanted i would say no now.

person c: i'm glad that we've become close, and i'm very glad that you're a part of my life, and i hope you understand why i have to be a little bit apprehensive.

person d: a simple phone call from you would do so much. i don't have your number right now and i'm waiting to see how long it s before you figure that out.

person e: there are so many reasons we are close, and every time i'm around you i am reminded that God has blessed me with some great people in my life. the ability to go back and forth between sharing jokes and the stuff that rattles our souls is something that i hope continues on as we grow older.

person f: while you may not get the attention you deserve, i have always admired your ability to stay steadfast in life's storms. so many people look to me as an example and i look to you.

person g: i know there are times where we wish we could throw a switch and go back in time to better days. my prayer is that the times we do spend together you know how much you mean to me.

person h: it's been a weird experience meeting all of the people you've introduced me to.

person i: i need to be more honest with you.

person j: i miss having you around all of the time. i wish that our relationship didn't just consist of stories in the past. but you will always have a piece of my heart.

person k: i wish i didn't want what i can't have.

person l: your faith amazes me. just when i think i've got it you go and say something that blows me away.

person m: i don't trust you. there are not a lot of people in my life that make me feel that way. you have tarnished a part of my life that i want back. all that said, i think i could forgive you if you were big enough to own up to what you've done.

person n: the constant gossip is getting to me. stop it.

person o: i've let you down so many times and you still come back. that means a lot to me. thank you for the patience and tolerance that you teach me.

person p: oh what could have been.

person q: oh what never will be.

person r: i'd be lying if i said i didn't think about you every day.

person s: one of these days i'm going to stop ignoring you, and let you be a big part of my life.

person t: the fact that i can even talk to you without my jaw falling on the floor is a great feat.

person u: i hope that our paths cross sooner than later.

person v: we shouldn't hang out anymore, i don't think it's good for either of us.

person x: you have so much to offer, and i hope that you continue to realize that there is a God that loves you so much, and i do too.

person y: you have completely changed my life, and i can not thank you enough for what you have done for me. i think it's okay that we don't have to say what what we feel out loud. sometimes what's unspoken is better left unspoken. deep down you know how i feel, and what the time comes you'll get the thanks you deserve.

person z: stay cool and have a nice summer.

i hope if you're reading this you don't assume anything. this was just an exercise to say some things that have been on my chest for a while. they're just little reminders of the good, bad and ugly things that are going on right now. it feels good to see this in front of me, and i'm sure in some way it's saved me a couple of hours in therapy just vocalizing what i feel. well, my other computer is finished processing some video stuff so it's time to get back to work.

one love, one heart.

ALF: "I mean, this is about as interesting as-- as listening to a John Tesh album."

hola hola hola. i wrote this last night but our neighbors are irresponsible and didn't have their wireless network on.

so i stayed home sick today, and in between taking robitussin naps and multiple hot showers i managed to squeeze in some tv time. there is nothing worth watching on in the afternoons. i say this after deciding to watch things that i know i don't like to watch. i'm not sure why this was appealing, but i would venture to say there is such a thing as too much 'tussin.

i watched this 'classic' movie with kathryn hepburn in it first. at least i started watching it. i had to turn it off because i couldn't keep up with how fast she was talking. yesterday i had a better chance of deciphering the lyrics to snow's informer than i did of making it through a conversation in the philadelphia story. it reminded me of when mi hermana was in sixth grade and all of her friends would be over at the house and would inevitably end up talking at the same time. you want to try and listen, but the second you miss a sentence you're done for.

later i watched one of those court tv shows, where somebody was suing their ex girlfriend for damages to a black velvet painting. while i do not condone violence, lawsuits, or destruction of other people's property, i had to laugh when the guy started crying about how much the painting meant to him. the best part was not that the girlfriend owned up to destroying the painting (citing that it wasn't actually art), but that she refused to pay $500 for a painting that she claimed he bought for $5 at a garage sale. i wonder if the judge had this in mind while studying those long hours in law school?

next, i ended up watching one of those list shows on E!. i think it's the first time i've ever not channel surfed over something with the word 'starlicious' in the title. here's how you make a list show:
step 1: find something that a few people have done (in this case make-overs)
step 2: figure out how many people have done it so you know how long to make your list (25)
step 3: find two pictures and use every transition know to man to show the same picture over and over. (i personally like the zoom in and move across the picture method best)
step 4: repeat step 3 (as many time as possible)
step 5: get comedians you've never heard of, and that one guy/girl who used to be on that one show to talk about the subject.
step 6: add cool graphics and you're good to go.

i dozed off for a little while, and when i woke up the tv was on the korean home shopping channel. it was then i discovered that i had been laying on the remote.

so i turned to espn and watched the clemens hearing for a little while. i'm still going with innocent until proven guilty, but i really wish he would have cleared more stuff up today. (he may have, i'm going to read about it tomorrow with much less medication in me.)

i surfed channels for a while. i did a little rorshach-style-first-thing-that-comes-to-your-mind treatment for this.
80's music video channel: bring back jerry-curls!
food network: dang giada.
afternoon news: what did this person do to deserve the on location story at petco?
cspan: sweet, our government at workZZZZZzzzzzzz........
history channel: how many 'experts' are there on medieval shoes?
craziest videos shows: is every car wreck captured on video?
shopping network: sweet, topaz belt buckles!
oprah: today we're talking about depression. and as a special treat everyone in our studio audience gets a free RADIO SHOWERHEAD!
madtv: diet saturday night live
project runway: i should never tell anyone i watch this.

after another round of 'tussin, sleep, and hot showers. i went to the office to check my mail and get some fresh air. after a quick dinner i cleaned up some and read for the rest of the night.

i know there's nothing really noteworthy here, but i figure since i've never really read any other blogs about the crap on daytime tv i'd go ahead and put my two cents in. also, let this be a warning to you. never get sick. and never take a day off from work and stay at home and watch tv. if you do, make sure you have dvds, or things on dvr that you haven't seen yet.

one love, one heart.

"Yeah, mind-bottling. You know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle? "

and now we begin the time of year that the cuz and i call lent. it's the month or so between the end of football season and the start of baseball that we give up sportscenter. i might watch some in march to get an idea of who to pull for in march madness, but in all practicality, sportscenter is pretty useless right now. unless of course you are one of both people that watch wnba highlights. anyways, if you have any movie suggestions for us to catch up on this would be a great time to post them. it's also a good time to read a book, redesign a blog, weave baskets or wash your car.

superbowl.
considering it was between two teams that i can't stand (actually, i just can't stand eli manning) i was pretty stoked about this year's super bowl. it was tough to decide who to root against this year. on one hand, i can't stand anything boston, and i really didn't want their fans to have a perfect season that i would have to hear about forever. on the other hand, eli is a swear word to chargers fans, and the thought of him winning a super bowl on his first shot was not that appealing. in the end though, the thought of 18-1 trumped everything else. i'm very excited that they came so close to perfection only to fall apart at the end. i'm already planning on going to the chargers-pats game next season to watch a healthy chargers lineup dominate the pats. and as soon as he signs his contract, i'm getting a hold of a baby blue cromartie jersey.

nothing.
like many people, i've become conditioned to respond to the 'what's going on' question with a simple 'not much'. i was thinking about this a lot this past weekend, and how that is a total lie in my life. on any given sunday i have short conversations with at least 50 people, and this past sunday i caught myself saying 'not much' more often then i would like to admit. while i don't necessarily want to bore people with every mundane detail of my life, i should never have to resort to 'nothing' as a response to an invite into conversation. more importantly, i don't really want to live a 'nothing much' life. if someone is going to ask, i should be able to muser up something interesting to share. why not? am i becoming so busy that i simply don't have time to share? no. am i really offended that someone is asking about me? no. my best guess is that on some level i want to keep things on surface level so that they will stay on surface level conversation as well. it's like i'm purposefully trying to avoid contact. this is not a good thing. and i'm not saying that just because of my job, i really think this is something that represents a much larger cultural problem. we want to keep things on the surface. we want easy to clean, easy to fix, easy bake relationships with people. we don't want to know how the homeless guy is doing, we don't want to ear the story from the divorcee, we don't want to hear about that person's ex, because it forces us to take the focus off of ourselves and care about something outside of our little circles. i can't think of anything more contrasting to how Jesus operated than 'not much'.

so in honor of that last little rant, here's all the stuff that i have to choose from the next time someone asks 'what's going on?'
i'm getting back itnto gym mode.
my sister is graduating in may, and i'm relly excited to head out to abilene for that.
we're looking for an intern for this summer.
still finishing up the merry christmas madness video.
our calendar for the next few months should be up and posted sometime this week.
i just finished writing the drum parts to two of my songs.
i have a huge painting that i'm working on for my friends' youth group.
i'm also working on a logo for another church.
the presidential race is actually getting somewhat interesting with super tuesday tomorrow.
my website is still a few weeks from being up and running, but i'm already getting stoked about it.
a bunch of shops around here are having sales on snowboards which means i might be able to sneak a run in with a new board in the next few months.
i've been going back and re-reading a bunch of books that really shaped me a few years ago. this list includes: velvet elvis, blue like jazz, wild at heart, and how to win friends and influence people.

jack.
do yourself a favor and buy the new jack johnson album, 'sleep through static'. buy a copy for a friend too. it'll give you something to talk about.

one love, one heart.

"What's good for me might not be good for the weak minded." - Gus McCrae

thanks to everyone who voiced their support after the last blog. sometimes when things catch me off guard like that it's real easy to lose sight of the bigger picture.

anyways, the long saturday night led to to a sunday of just trying to make it through church with eyes remaining open, which i did. the true test was trying to watch the chargers battle their way through the playoffs. i'll talk about that later. so that lack of sleep on saturday has translated to a few days of not being able to get back to a decent sleep pattern, but who cares. the cool thing about this weekend is that it caused me to spend a monday doing things i never thought i would do. this included (among other things) skateboarding down hollywood blvd, buying lunches for people on skid row, and singing with a street performer to tourists in front of Grauman's theater. i don't know what the connection is between my mourning and my sense of adventure being heightened, but it seems like the past few years when something hits hard, i tend to go on some crazy adventure. i don't know if i've always been this way, or if this is something that has developed recently, but any psych majors who'd like to take a crack at that one i'd appreciate the help.

oh yeah, and the craziest part about skating in l.a. is that no one notices you are there. this is lame when it comes to cars, but it's weird because i almost ate it riding over a storm drain and no one even batted an eye.

and the soundtrack to skate l.a. day goes something like this:
bad religion - los angeles is burning
clash - police and thieves
p.o.d. - youth of a nation
thrice - artist and the ambulance
dr. dre and tupac - california love
sixer - farmington
beach boys - i get around
lupe fiasco - kick, push
switchfoot - american dream
mxpx - punk rawk show
rancid - ruby soho
bedouin soundclash - st. andrews
bob marley - concrete jungle
operation ivy - bad town
and no list of songs for los angeles would be complete w/o guns'n'roses - welcome to the jungle

i know there are plenty more but i didn't skate for that long. by the way, los angeles has really cleaned up over the past few years. there's still plenty of crazy people around, but overall the city seems to be a lot cleaner. at least it was to me.

i think its good to get away from the normal every once in a while and just check out the world from a different perspective. i think it's why so many people in the suburbs listen to rap, why hawaii is so popular as a vacation spot, and why we (as americans) are so obsessed with tv and movies. don't get me wrong, i'm all about being in the here and now, but more and more i'm aware of how much i desire for things to be in constant flux. in the 1940's we had millions of people heading overseas for this 'great adventure' of fighting evil (in no way, shape or form do i intend to be disrespectful to our veterans, just roll with me here). before that we were heading across the prairies to find gold, and before that we were mapping out a new world. our country was discovered by people bent on finding something new. i guess it's inherent in our blood to seek some new adventure. now i feel a lot better about taking a day to skate. all done.

ahhhh, the chargers. i have to admit i was heading up the anti-norv bandwagon at the beginning of the season, but he did bring results. if not for a couple of torn acl's by some though as dirt players (seriously, who would even begin to imagine LT's toughness) i think this blog would be talking about how many times merriman would be putting the other manning into the grass. oh well. the chargers ended up with an excellent season, and i can't wait to see what a healthy bolts team looks like next year. by the way, cromartie gets my pick for mvp, and as soon as he signs on again i'm buying the powder blue 31 jersey.

me and the cuz were watching the lonesome dove series last week, getting ready for the comanche moon mini series that was coming on. simply amazing. there's something about a good western that really speaks to me. i think the cuz hit the nail on the head when he said the most used phrase in both shows was ' a man oughta'. i really like that phrase. i think it is becoming increasingly necessary to clarify that there are certain things that a man 'oughta' do.

a man oughta know how to throw a baseball.
a man oughta know the difference between a screwdriver and a phillips.*
a man oughta own a truck at some point in his life.
a man oughta have a healthy fear and respect for God, his parents, and guns.
a man oughta be slow to speak, and quick to listen.
a man oughta know how to slow dance.
a man oughta have at least one scar from a story worth telling.
a man oughta know how to hold his tongue.
a man oughta know start a fire.
a man oughta pay for dinner.
a man oughta have at least two hats, one for work, and one for sports.
a man oughta be able to navigate using north, south, east and west.
a man oughta know left from right, and right from wrong*
a man oughta be ready to pray.
a man oughta have respect for his elders.
a man oughta try something stupid at least once.
a man oughta leave the house clean, and come back dirty.
a man oughta know how to shine his own shoes.
a man oughta do what he says he will*
a man oughta have a favorite book, hero, and athlete.
a man oughta know how to shake hands.
a man oughta be able to tie a tie.
a man oughta appreciate beauty.
(*from the cuz, although he heard them somewhere else)

well, that's all the 'manoughtas' i've got right now, but i'm sure there are plenty more out there. feel free to send in your own.

and in honor of the fact that i'm the mood for watching a western, here's my:
TOP TEN FAVORITE WESTERNS
pale rider/ young guns (tie)
blazing saddles
the searchers
el dorado
butch cassidy and the sundance kid
silverado
tombstone
lonesome dove/comanche moon
the good, the bad, the ugly
magnificent seven

basically anything but dances with wolves.

one love, one heart.

Dr. Tony Alley, 1953 -2008

I can't sleep. I'm mad and I'm crying. I found out tonight that one of my favorite professors, Dr. Tony Alley, died this past tuesday from brain canacer.

Tony Alley,
Tom Haraszko,
Joe Bolger,
Dad...

it's too much right now. i know i shouldn't be mad at God, but i can't help it right now.

I feel cold. I feel like staying up all night and trying to think of anything but this. I can't go to sleep anyways because I have this huge knot in my stomach. I think I'm going to throw up.

This in not the response that any of these guys would want but right now i just don't care.

Dr. Alley was by far the professor who cared the most for me when i was struggling in college, dealing with dad being sick. He was an art teacher who taught me more about faith than any of my bible professors. He was genuine. He cared. And he was wise.

And now my pillow is soaked and i'm punching my mattress asking God why?

The truth is i know exactly why this hurts. it hurts because i know that i'm not living up to the potential that all of these people saw in me. while i may not be a bad person, in no way shape or form could i look any of these men in the eyes and truthfully say that i am who they knew i could become. that's what hurts. it's beyond hurt; this is torturing my soul.

i can not go on with this pain anymore. i don't want to go to church in the morning and pretend to be okay and smile at people. i don't want to have to hear about others problems or listen to the some song from the 1800s with words i don't ever use outside of church.

i want to drive all night and apologize to the alley family for never letting dr. alley know how much of an impact he made on my life. i want to tell them about the time he smiled when i said i was going to go into youth ministry. i want to fly up to seattle and sit in the back of our old church and look at the grassy hills outside the windows.

i want this sense of regret and rage to go away.

God, i don't care what it is you do, just do something. please. i can't stand this.